As a young child I showed some musical talent and was greatly encouraged to take music lessons by my mother. My favorite instrument was the drums. I was also very interested in sports. By the time I reached high school I was forced to make a choice between music and sports, I decided it would be music.
Because we moved so often I became quite shy and did not have many friends. I was an introverted and very lonely youth. I would spend many hours alone studying the nature around me; the trees, the grass, the clouds, and the flowers. Somehow this comforted me. Many questions went through my mind; why is that tree the shape it is? Why do roses have a different smell than freshly cut grass?
Although my parents had been raised in a Jewish way, they were not religious. They had dropped the religion and culture of their background to become the typical "nouveau riche" in their outward living. Inwardly, they had been captured by the philosophy and vision of communism. The only mention of God in our home was that there was none. As children will do, I accepted what my parents said and many times I would mimic, "There's no such thing as God. You can't see God can you?"
As I grew into my teen years, life became more serious and my questions matured: "What is love? Why is it difficult to communicate what I feel inside of me? Why am I complicated? How can nature be so well balanced?" At this time my interest and study in music became more intense so by the time I was sixteen, I began working professionally as a musician on weekends. As my interest in music increased my interest in school decreased until I eventually left school and devoted myself solely to a career in music. Because I was so young and had talent I was considered by other musicians to have good potential. I began to work regularly with local jazz bands. By my late teens I was living in a world of musicians, artists, writers, intellectuals, drunkards, prostitutes, criminals, drag addicts and my family. Outwardly I was "making it" but inside I still had the same unanswered questions. I began to study philosophy hoping that the great minds may have some answers.
During my late teens my parents were divorced after twenty years of marriage. At nineteen I was married thinking that having my own family would stabilize my life. Music was not only an outlet for self expression and seeking but a means to support my family. I had worked in radio, television, films, concerts, dance halls and bars all by the time I was twenty six. I had worked with a top Canadian band, whose New York manager handled the best known style-setting entertainers in the United States. I had seen and tasted everything the music business had to offer but inside I was still not satisfied,
I had two wonderful sons whom I loved very much but I knew that being a father and a husband were not the purpose for my being on the earth, nor was money, fame, music or travel. Why was I alive? What was really going on? Was there any truth? I quit the group I was working with, left my wife and children and moved to Killalve, Ontario looking for a new life. I was burnt out mentally and physically and hoped that a new way of living, something closer to nature and reality would help. Many others were dropping out", concerned with leaving the negative and plastic society behind to live a harmonious and loving life. So together we set out to build an alternate system in a poverty-stricken rural area.
The first was a year of rehabilitation for me. My body became healthier and I found that nature surrounded me with peace. I was amazed by the millions of stars I could see on a cold, clear night and by the death of a long winter and by the miracle of new life in the spring. I loved to work in the garden, to watch it grow and then eat it's produce. I was acutely aware of a "oneness" in nature and sought to live in absolute harmony with my surroundings. I realized that, insignificant as I was, my very existence and uniqueness, somehow made me very important to the overall meaning of the universe. I realized that there is God and there is a specific meaning for all things and I fit into this picture in a very special way. I needed to know God to understand the meaning of all these things and to find my exact place in this plan.
Where does one begin to seek God? In religion? Which religion should I pursue? I didn't think it mattered which path I took because as long as I was sincere and diligent I would make it. I set out to become spiritual, holy and to achieve higher consciousness. I did not even consider Judaism or Christianity to be my way because of the concepts of them I had developed in earlier years. The Eastern paths, with their exotic history and music attracted me so I began to follow the practices of one guru after another. Anything I considered worthwhile for my own advancement I would adopt and incorporate into my religious life. This religion began to shape and affect every aspect of my life. The principles of the seemed to fit into the scheme too so I took advantage of whatever I thought suitable. I found my life to be not as disciplined as it should be if I were to reach the goal in this lifetime. God, who was surely anxious for me to reach it too would never appreciate the selfish likes and dislikes I was living by. Selfishness, as it was so apparent became an ugly and serious problem. The people I was living with communally on the farm were as serious as I was to make things successful but none of us were willing to move over just that little bit to make things work in harmony. Our own petty views were always in the way. We eventually moved to our own separate area of the land and only came together when interests were common, we respected one another's right to privacy and self indulgence.
When some friends of mine introduced me to the philosophy and practice of Zen Buddhism, I was very excited. Here, through formal meditation, was the strict and disciplined way to deny my self and become enlightened. I gave myself to this. Day by day I would do the required meditations, read books about the Zen masters and hope that I would be spiritual enough in this lifetime to become enlightened. My life was very simple. It centered on two things: Zen Buddhism and building a geodesic dome house. I became increasingly aware of something that seemed very wrong to me. The more I strived to be disciplined, the more I became intolerant of other people. Pride was growing and becoming stronger in me. Although I hated it, I could do absolutely nothing about it. After almost a year of Buddhism I realized that it was just another lie. It didn't and wouldn't work. I was disillusioned, discouraged, depressed and very bitter. I did not want to talk or even think about religion, God, reality or truth. I felt that I had been "ripped off" again but I would not allow it to happen again. My only goal in life was to take care of the daily necessities and to complete my house before winter set in. This mental and emotional depression finally affected my physical health and I ended up in bed. I had reached a point in my life where I didn't care if I lived or died.
After lying in bed for several days I picked up a Bible that was nearby, opened it and began to read. I did not understand much, but I continued to read. One day a friend came by and noticed that I had been reading the Bible. He told me that it was contradictory and that it was not true. When I asked him if he had ever read the Bible, he answered that he had not. I told him that I was reading it with an open mind and that I would find out those things only if I read it in that way. Although I understood very little of what I read, I found that I enjoyed it very much. The more I read, the more I enjoyed and the better I felt.
As I continued to read I came to passages concerning the children of Israel. I was very curious about how I, being a Jew, would relate to this. I took my questions to a friend, who was also a Jew but who had become a Christian. He was able to clarify some things for me and this increased my interest and appetite for the Bible. I found that it was good to understand as much as possible but even sections that I didn't understand I enjoyed. I was amazed that reading the Bible was something that I looked forward to each day. The more I read the better I felt deep inside of me. As time went by I noticed that my state of mind was changing. I was becoming less depressed. I was in fact, becoming happy. My life was changing all because I was reading that book. This was something mysterious that was happening to me and I liked it. I wasn't striving, or trying or studying or analyzing anything. I was just reading a book. Whenever I read that book I was able to touch something very, very positive. It gave me a warm, happy child-like feeling. The doubts and the skepticism faded away. This was a wonderful book.
Of course what I was reading was the truth. I just knew it was. Within a few months so many of those lifetime questions were being answered. Not only was I involved in a real relationship with God just by reading the Bible, but at the same time I began to have a love for Jesus. I didn't understand why but I was attracted to, infatuated with, whole-heartedly and wildly in love with Jesus. What was the reason I got up in the morning? Jesus! Why did I eat breakfast? Jesus! Why did I do what I did that day? Jesus! Why was I alive? Jesus! Why do the birds sing? Jesus! I was in love with Jesus. I couldn't hide it from anyone. All my friends knew about it. I even told strangers about it hoping that maybe they had had the same wonderful thing happen to them. I started to go to Christian meetings to find others who were experiencing the same thing I was. I learned many things about the Bible and the Christian religion at these meetings, but it was rare to find others with whom I could mutually share my experiences and burning love for Jesus.
After two years of searching and praying I went to a meeting in Toronto where I saw a whole group of young, middle-aged and old people whose love for Jesus was deep, hot and openly expressed. I was 100% clear that my prayers had been answered, my searching was over and that God had brought me home. Today, over twenty years later, I thank God for having mercy on me by revealing and proving to me that He does exist. I can have a personal and ongoing relationship with Him. He does have a specific and definite plan which He is carrying out through the local churches all over the earth.
Rick